Congress To Fix Healthcare By Locating Holy Grail

After several fruitless months of trying to replace Obamacare, the House and Senate are trying a bold new plan for addressing America’s healthcare crisis. In a joint press conference, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) announced they will reallocate federal healthcare dollars for a Holy Grail recovery project.

Dubbed the Initiative for No Doctors Expenses Ever (INDEE) Bill, the aim would be to locate and utilize the famed cup of Christ, which is said to restore one’s health. Americans who drink from the cup would no longer be burdened by costs associated with illnesses and injuries.

“Healthcare consumes almost one-fifth of the US economy,” said Speaker Paul Ryan. “Medicare, Medicaid, and other health-related programs are an unsustainable financial burden on average Americans. Why not instead recover an artifact that will eliminate the need for such costs?”

President Trump promised to sign the INDEE Bill if it passed in spite of its projected $2 Billion price tag. “The cost is a no brainer, really. I’m going to make sure nobody who is legally in America gets sick anymore, plus I’m told this will make the German Nazis very upset. They’re very bad people, so this is good for America.”

 

Written by C.W. Briar

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