Santa Banned From Professional eSports

Las Vegas, NV – After an anonymous vote, the Professional eSports Association (PEA) has banned Santa Claus from the league for a minimum of one year. The ruling comes after shocking revelations that the player known as Kris Kringle was using banned extrasensory perception.

PEA committee member and Cloud9 player Zach Paulson said, “We found out Kris was hacking people’s minds to know when they’re sleeping or awake, which obviously raises¬†its own set of uncomfortable questions. But from there, we figured out he also unfairly knows where you’re camping with Bastion in Overwatch.”

The sentence is the harshest yet from the young eSports committee. Santa stands to lose a lot of endorsements and at least twelve months of competition time. Further punishments may yet be handed down for the way Santa plays.

Said Paulson, “A lot of guys don’t appreciate the way he stands over another player’s corpse and celebrates kills. He calls it ‘shoving the toys down the chimney.’ All I know is he’s gotten on a lot of people’s naughty lists with antics like that.”

 

Written by C.W. Briar

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