Omaha, NE – While on his victory tour across the country, President-elect Donald Trump announced his pick for Secretary of State. Like many of his decisions thus far, he avoided normal avenues in the vetting process, forgoing diplomats, politicians, and generals.
Trump has appointed top-ranked Civilization 6 (Civ VI) player, ShortyBigGuns, to the role of Secretary of State. The twenty-nine-year-old female gamer from Florida claims to have logged thousands of the hours in the Civilization series since its third installment.
“ShortyBigGuns is going to make America great again,” said Trump. “We’re going to be the very best in science. We’re going to be the very best in military power. We’ll be the best in religion and culture. India has that Ghandi guy, who’s a nobody , he’s a noob, and we’re going to crush him and everyone else with ShortyBigGuns’s help.”
The President-elect introduced his newest cabinet member on stage. ShortyBigGuns addressed the media between rounds while her AI opponents made their moves. When asked about concerns over her apparent lack of real world experience, she said, “I played Civ VI on deity level as Teddy Roosevelt – Go USA! – and led the world in every category. I think I’ll be fine.”
Another reporter asked her plans for dealing with ISIS. “Jimmy [Retired Marine General an incoming Secretary of Defense James Mattis] and I will use my preferred strategy. We’ll expand our territory and refuse them open borders in order to limit them to one city. Then we’ll throw missionaries at them while investing heavily in science. We’ll have modern tanks and helicopters before they know what hit ‘em.”
When it was pointed out that the United States already has tanks and helicopters, ShortyBigGuns said, “No more questions,” and flashed a banner with her Twitch username.