Washington, D.C. – About a month after its release, the iPhone 7 is being recalled due to pressure from the Federal Trade Commission.
The FTC states it can no longer ignore the unprecedented number of complaints they have received regarding the phone. One official claims over 90% of the reports are associated with a single issue: customer obnoxiousness.
FTC Commissioner Kevin Rice issued this statement:
“By all accounts, an overwhelming number of iPhone 7 owners have convinced themselves they are happy with what they perceive to be a superior smartphone. However, users take their iPhone 7s into public spaces, and its the other people in these spaces that have made the majority of the calls.
“These people are struggling with collateral suffering associated with living around iPhone early adopters. They report side effects such as suffocating, maddening levels of undeserved arrogance emanating from Apple fanatics.”
“iPhone 7s are turning Starbucks cafes, microbreweries, and neighborhoods with high hipster populations into cesspools of pomposity. Passengers on public transit are being cornered and obnoxiously informed about the phone’s improves specifications. Also, at least three murders have been attributed to Android phone owners who tried to silence coworkers that were constantly harassing them and laughing snobbishly at their, quote, “archaic pieces of junk.” ”
Felicia Reyes of San Jose called off her wedding after her fiance came home with an iPhone 7.
“He waited in line and bought it on release day,” Reyes said of her ex-fiance. “I didn’t have an issue with it initially. But he kept calling me at work or waking me up at night to tell me how brilliant Apple was to remove the headphone jack.
“I only made it two days after he came home with that phone. I couldn’t take all the smugness. I knew I’d eventually snap and stab him in the eye with something, so I left. While he was looking for his new headphone adapter, which he had lost, I packed my stuff and moved out.”
We have reached out to Apple for a comment about the recall, but they replied they don’t need to be bothered by insignificant peons like us.