Derry, ME – Clown-mania has overcome the nation. Creepy clowns are popping up in multiple states, luring children and standing eerily with balloons in hand at the edges of forests. Others are fed up with it, calling police or hunting the perpetrators.
Pennywise the Clown, however, is resorting to legal measures. He has filed federal lawsuits against a dozen of the perpetrators , claiming they have infringed upon his trademark methodology of creepiness.
“These impostors have irrevocably harmed my client’s business and way of life,” claimed his attorney, Jan Kirkowski. “By illegally replicating his performances, they are undermining his ability to terrify children. When others begin to see my client, Mr. the Clown, as just another phony white-faced demon, they’ll no longer appreciate his nightmarish nature.”
“These phonies don’t even float,” Pennywise said before his attorney tried to silence him. Pennywise proceeded to tear open her throat with his teeth, then laughed maniacally as her crimson life fluids sprayed on his suit.
We reached out to Mike Hallorann, who is the attorney for several of the defendants. He straightened his turtle-print tie and stated that none of his clients remember the events for which they are being sued.
Written by C.W. Briar