State College, PA – A study out of Penn State found that at least 34% of world problems can be linked to two mice. And according to the study’s authors, the mouse-crisis link goes back for two decades.
Lydia VanIvers, one of the reasearchers, says, “The Northeast Blackout in 2003? That was caused when the mouse duo used a giant hair dryer to accelerate global warming and sell overpriced frappes. The recession in 2008? That was economic fallout from their nose hair shaver startup.
“The inexplicable popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey? Yep, that was them, too.”
Authorities have been unable to apprehend the rodent troublemakers. They described one as having a massively enlarged head, likely due to genetic testing or a severe form of encephalitis.
The problem may be more drastic than the study could prove. While evidence substantiated a 34% link, the study’s authors claim the real number could be almost double that. Other crises with unconfirmed links include the 2016 presidential campaigns, Kanye West, Google+, the Star Wars prequels, and pumpkin spice flavoring.”
“Everyone was scared when they found out North Korea had nuclear weapons and Rosie O’Donnell made a Christmas album,” said VanIvers. “I’d bet my last dollar both events had ties to the mice using driverless rickshaws to steal hipster beard hairs.”
Written by C.W. Briar