Cerulean City – Officials have taken Professor Willow into custody on charges of animal hoarding. He is accused of creating a Pokemon “GO” network to collect large quantities of critters in a short time.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Officer Jenny at the scene. “We estimate he had 3.4 billion pidgies alone, and more than 1 billion rattatas.”
“The air was so foul inside, we couldn’t enter without hazmat suits. There’s not a single surface in there without at least 4 inches of accumulated feces.”
Neighbors called and complained about the property, saying the amount of animal noises and smells had been rapidly increasing over the past two weeks. Officers who arrived on the scene confronted a mess without equal. Many of the creatures, desperate for food, succumbed to eating one another.
“I’ve never seen pikachus resort to cannibalism before,” says Officer Jenny. “They tore into their own kind for food and broke open oddishes for water.”
The Humane Society is in full crisis mode. They are working around the clock to rehabilitate weak Pokemon, most of which will likely need to be put down if they aren’t adopted.
Written by C.W. Briar