Congress Introduces Pokemon Go Bathroom Bill

Raleigh, NC – Luke Ryland had never been judged or stereotyped for his gender before, but that all came to an end Tuesday.

Like approximately 84% of all Americans, Luke was playing Pokemon Go and wandering his city in search of Pokemon. To his delight, he spotted a Squirtle and tracked it down. Unfortunately, he came up just short of actually catching it.

“The Squirtle was in the ladies restroom at a Target … ha ha, I just realized it was a SQUIRT-le in a bathroom. Get it?”

But this was not laughing matter. He tried to enter the bathroom of his choice, the one corresponding to his Pokemon hunt, but several women stopped him and harassed him. They prevented him from making the desired capture.

“The Squirtle got away. How messed up is that? It’s 2016, and this is America. We’re supposed to have freedoms, especially  with basic things like using the bathroom I need to level up my character.”

Senator Brannis, D, agrees. He’s taking Luke’s case before congress in hopes of giving all Pokemon Go players access to the bathroom of their choice.

“There is so much more at play here than pre-determined cultural genders,” says Brannis. “We have to recognize who people are. These Pokemon Go players are total geeks, that’s who they are deep inside, and we need to let them access the bathroom that aligns with their need to hunt virtual cartoon creatures.”

Senator Brannis’s bill is expected to receive a heavy fight. Republicans are responding fiercely to the measure. Senator Jameson of Arizona says gender cannot be ignored, not even if a Mewtwo is at stake.

“Luke Ryland is a biological male. Look, I have granddaughters who use the showers at school and who play Pokemon Go in public restrooms. Do we really want to let biological males in there with them at their most exposed and vulnerable? Can’t we think about the girls and their emotions, too?”

Senator Brannis is hoping to bring a vote on the bill, but he may need to wait until after congress’s summer recess is over, as most congressmen and women are too busy capturing Pokemon gyms to gather for a vote.

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