In a highly criticized decision, FBI Director James Comey announced Hillary Clinton will not be charged for screen peeking.
In a press conference that seemed to lambaste Clinton while also exonerating her, Comey provided extensive details about the rumored screen peeking incident.
“Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was privileged to be invited to President Obama’s slumber party, which involved a retro gaming session of Nintendo 64. The game selections included four-player split-screen Goldeneye and Mario Kart. It is during these games that the alleged peekings took place.”
“Our analysis proves that Ms. Clinton did in fact observe Vice President Biden’s corner of the screen with her peripheral vision, and she used that information to her advantage. This included the placement of a proximity mine outside the bathroom stall that Vice President Biden was camping in.”
“However, we believe that the screen peeking was unintentional, and therefore she will not be charged or banned from the SCOTUS NES Bash next week.”
Conservatives pounced on the announcement, accusing the FBI and Director Comey of favoritism and dirty politics. Blogger Matt Walsh provided a scathing post after the announcement.
“The rule of law, fairness, logic, and the golden rule have all been ignored in this decision,” wrote Walsh. “Jesus told us to do to others what we want others to do to us. Apparently the FBI wants to live in a world where people cheap-shot them with bananas while they’re trying to pass.”
Republicans have promised to make this a major talking point during the upcoming election. One representative we spoke to said he was confident the American people would never get behind a person who chooses Oddjob in Goldeneye and spams rockets at targets before they come around the corner.
Written by C.W. Briar