Experts Link Video Games To Property Damage

St. Paul, MN – “It’s not my fault,” says Nolan Jammer, 18, a self-proclaimed hardcore gamer. “It’s like an addiction.”

Until last November, he was an average teenage boy. He had good grades, played on the school’s soccer team, and worked at McDonalds. After a trip to a used video game store, his life took a turn for the worst.

“I saved up some money and bought Crash Bandicoot and [The Legend of] Zelda: A Link to the Past. The next thing I know, I’m breaking every box and jar in sight. I couldn’t resist the urge to smash them and find out what’s inside. Usually it’s just dead flies.”

Jammer was eventually arrested after security footage linked him to a “break-in” at a local FedEx Shipping Center. He destroyed ever shipping container he could find and walked off with the contents. Total estimate of the damages: $62,000.

FedEx released a statement about the crime.

“Following the incident in St. Paul and others, we at FedEx are responding by increasing security at all of our FedEx facilities. Caring for customer packages is our top priority, so we are adding guards during off hours. These highly trained men and women are experts at walking back and forth or turning in 90-degree increments at a predictable rate.”

Amazon, UPS, and DHL are expected to institute similar changes.

Dr. Frederick Leaf, a criminal justice professor from Devry University, says crimes from Nolan and other gamers are on the rise, especially among teenage boys.

“Humans are naturally curious,” says Dr. Leaf. “Video games train young minds to deal with container curiousity in terrible ways. Their self-control weakens until they resort to throwing pots against walls and smashing crates with replica swords.”

“These violent acts have become so prevalent that none of our stashes of gem-based currency are safe.”

But this trend doesn’t end with broken boxes. Petty theft is up 58% in the last five years. Cindy Willower of San Jose, CA told Snitch Weekly that she was robbed three times after the release of Skyrim in 2011.

“The first time [a robbery] happened was at the bus stop. This boy walked up to me while in a squatting  position. Then he started digging through my purse.”

Willower tried to stop the culprit, but failed. “I slapped him and yelled for help, but he had already grabbed my cell phone. He said his quest was complete. Then he yelled something Russian at me, like ‘Fool Row-da,’ and took off.”

In response to the epidemic, Congress has organized a special committee. Its goal is to determine how best to threaten retailers of video games in order to curb criminal behaviors among players.


Article by Clark Scott

2 Comments on Experts Link Video Games To Property Damage

  1. Hahaha! I actually believe non-gamers think the news will read this way sometimes. Great satire! (GTA missing?)


  2. Every morning in the spring after a nice rain I love to go and stomp any mushrooms I find. My yards, neighbors, in front government buildings, it doesn’t matter. The other day, a kid had her pet turtle outside and just had to kick it as hard as I could!


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